Beholder
Judith McPherson is unremarkable—until she discovers online chat.
When her alter ego, WendyVixen, becomes a chat room superstar,
Judith transforms herself into a real-life personification of Wendy
and soon has everything she wants in life. Almost.
When her alter ego, WendyVixen, becomes a chat room superstar,
Judith transforms herself into a real-life personification of Wendy
and soon has everything she wants in life. Almost.
Chapter 1
In the mid-1990s, Steve Case and the AOL team popularized the chat room concept and made it available to subscribers. At the time, they had no idea how addictive this intimate anonymity could be or of the impact it could have on the lives of the people who frequented these chat rooms. Then again, maybe they did.
June 1996
Judith McPherson sorted through the afternoon mail at Day-Kilkenny—a small, but quite profitable San Francisco insurance company. One of her daily tasks as Executive Secretary to Paul Day, President and CEO—her dream job. Toward the end of the stack, she picked up a CD package from the wildly popular Internet Service Provider, Worldwide Online Web, better known as WOW. The CD was addressed to her, personally, and it offered, “1000 FREE hours” of “The Brave New Worldwide Online Web.”
Judith noticed that others in the office had been receiving the same WOW package, probably because Day-Kilkenny had recently switched to WOW from its old provider. She certainly wouldn’t have chosen an ISP known for its lurid Hot Chat rooms. She tossed the package on top of the pile of junk mail designated for the recycling bin. She didn’t need another coaster.
She looked up, startled to see Paul Day standing next to her desk. “Sorry, sir, I didn’t realize you were there.”
He gave her a sheepish grin. “It’s one of my super powers. Just letting you know I’ll be out of the office the rest of the day. Anyone needs to see me, fit ‘em into my schedule as best you can.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll highlight any additions.”
“That’ll work.” He picked up the WOW CD. “This is great, Judith. So you’re going to explore the world a bit, huh?”
She smirked. “Actually, I was just about to toss—“
“Seriously.” He waved the package. “This is very encouraging, Judith, we all really need to be much more in touch with what’s going on beyond our everyday experience.”
She nodded. “Yes sir, I suppose that’s important.”
“More than you know, Judith. In all honesty, I was worried about you.”
“You were, sir?” She grimaced. “Why would you—”
“Frankly, Judith,” he said, “I was afraid you might get left behind.”
“Left behind? Why would I be—”
“If things go the way we hope, we’re going to be making some major changes around here. But to make that happen, we need to modernize, to upgrade our old stodgy image.”
“But, sir, we’ve installed a T-1 line. That puts us way ahead of those companies that still have to rely on a bunch of separate slow modems. And we’re in the process of upgrading to Windows 95.”
He adjusted his glasses. “That technical stuff is only a start, Judith. Besides, we’re late adopters. Those things are already industry standards. It’s important for us to stop being followers and to start moving to the forefront of change.”
Judith gave him a quick once-over: Fifty-one, maybe five-foot-eight, and just enough overweight that his suits didn’t fit him well. Not a person you’d associate with the “forefront” of anything.
He ran his fingers through his thinning hair. “So you can see why it’s so important to me that you’re taking the ol’ bull by the horns like this. You could benefit more than you know from WOW’s focus on social interaction. It could help you become more worldly.” He beamed down at her like a proud parent. Then he was gone.
Judith took in a deep breath and released it slowly. What major changes was he talking about? Was she really in danger of becoming obsolete ... even expendable? She glanced down at the WOW package. Mr. Day seemed to think this ludicrous CD represented her chance to move into the spotlight—a place she’d spent most of her life avoiding.
She dressed conservatively on purpose. She chose to remain understated, business suits with tasteful, high-necked blouses, hose and heels. Exactly the way an executive secretary should dress. Yes, she was a couple of lanes away from the fast track, but her job was important, and she was good at it. Her reviews were always excellent, and for that she was paid quite well, thank you. When did being unassuming, professional and trustworthy become character flaws?
What’s all this about upgrading our image anyway? Day-Kilkenny was built on a foundation of tradition, consistency and trust. Isn’t that the image every insurance company should strive for? Damn, Mr. Day seemed committed to imposing some vague “with-it” image on a perfectly good, successful company. That didn’t make any sense.
It was the final decade of the Twentieth Century for Christ’s sake, and she was only thirty-four. She had every reason to believe she had a bright future ahead of her. But now, just like that, everything she’d worked for might be in real jeopardy. It had taken a lot of time and even more perseverance, but she’d finally established a life and career that were predictable, undemanding and safe. Was it all for nothing?
This is where she needed to be. Right here at Day-Kilkenny, in a position of respect that was a perfect fit for her. She wasn’t about to let it all slip through her fingers because of some vague image upgrade. If she had to, she could reinvent herself. She’d done it before. Maybe she could do it again.
The rest of the day Judith worked through bouts of nausea, and several times she had to hide her shaking hands from view. She came dangerously close to snapping at a colleague who asked if she’d like to sign a birthday card for someone she didn’t even know. And she slammed her fist on the keyboard simply because she made a typo. She hadn’t had an episode like this for more than a year. It took everything she had to keep the all-to-familiar wave of depression from crashing over her.
Judith McPherson sorted through the afternoon mail at Day-Kilkenny—a small, but quite profitable San Francisco insurance company. One of her daily tasks as Executive Secretary to Paul Day, President and CEO—her dream job. Toward the end of the stack, she picked up a CD package from the wildly popular Internet Service Provider, Worldwide Online Web, better known as WOW. The CD was addressed to her, personally, and it offered, “1000 FREE hours” of “The Brave New Worldwide Online Web.”
Judith noticed that others in the office had been receiving the same WOW package, probably because Day-Kilkenny had recently switched to WOW from its old provider. She certainly wouldn’t have chosen an ISP known for its lurid Hot Chat rooms. She tossed the package on top of the pile of junk mail designated for the recycling bin. She didn’t need another coaster.
She looked up, startled to see Paul Day standing next to her desk. “Sorry, sir, I didn’t realize you were there.”
He gave her a sheepish grin. “It’s one of my super powers. Just letting you know I’ll be out of the office the rest of the day. Anyone needs to see me, fit ‘em into my schedule as best you can.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll highlight any additions.”
“That’ll work.” He picked up the WOW CD. “This is great, Judith. So you’re going to explore the world a bit, huh?”
She smirked. “Actually, I was just about to toss—“
“Seriously.” He waved the package. “This is very encouraging, Judith, we all really need to be much more in touch with what’s going on beyond our everyday experience.”
She nodded. “Yes sir, I suppose that’s important.”
“More than you know, Judith. In all honesty, I was worried about you.”
“You were, sir?” She grimaced. “Why would you—”
“Frankly, Judith,” he said, “I was afraid you might get left behind.”
“Left behind? Why would I be—”
“If things go the way we hope, we’re going to be making some major changes around here. But to make that happen, we need to modernize, to upgrade our old stodgy image.”
“But, sir, we’ve installed a T-1 line. That puts us way ahead of those companies that still have to rely on a bunch of separate slow modems. And we’re in the process of upgrading to Windows 95.”
He adjusted his glasses. “That technical stuff is only a start, Judith. Besides, we’re late adopters. Those things are already industry standards. It’s important for us to stop being followers and to start moving to the forefront of change.”
Judith gave him a quick once-over: Fifty-one, maybe five-foot-eight, and just enough overweight that his suits didn’t fit him well. Not a person you’d associate with the “forefront” of anything.
He ran his fingers through his thinning hair. “So you can see why it’s so important to me that you’re taking the ol’ bull by the horns like this. You could benefit more than you know from WOW’s focus on social interaction. It could help you become more worldly.” He beamed down at her like a proud parent. Then he was gone.
Judith took in a deep breath and released it slowly. What major changes was he talking about? Was she really in danger of becoming obsolete ... even expendable? She glanced down at the WOW package. Mr. Day seemed to think this ludicrous CD represented her chance to move into the spotlight—a place she’d spent most of her life avoiding.
She dressed conservatively on purpose. She chose to remain understated, business suits with tasteful, high-necked blouses, hose and heels. Exactly the way an executive secretary should dress. Yes, she was a couple of lanes away from the fast track, but her job was important, and she was good at it. Her reviews were always excellent, and for that she was paid quite well, thank you. When did being unassuming, professional and trustworthy become character flaws?
What’s all this about upgrading our image anyway? Day-Kilkenny was built on a foundation of tradition, consistency and trust. Isn’t that the image every insurance company should strive for? Damn, Mr. Day seemed committed to imposing some vague “with-it” image on a perfectly good, successful company. That didn’t make any sense.
It was the final decade of the Twentieth Century for Christ’s sake, and she was only thirty-four. She had every reason to believe she had a bright future ahead of her. But now, just like that, everything she’d worked for might be in real jeopardy. It had taken a lot of time and even more perseverance, but she’d finally established a life and career that were predictable, undemanding and safe. Was it all for nothing?
This is where she needed to be. Right here at Day-Kilkenny, in a position of respect that was a perfect fit for her. She wasn’t about to let it all slip through her fingers because of some vague image upgrade. If she had to, she could reinvent herself. She’d done it before. Maybe she could do it again.
The rest of the day Judith worked through bouts of nausea, and several times she had to hide her shaking hands from view. She came dangerously close to snapping at a colleague who asked if she’d like to sign a birthday card for someone she didn’t even know. And she slammed her fist on the keyboard simply because she made a typo. She hadn’t had an episode like this for more than a year. It took everything she had to keep the all-to-familiar wave of depression from crashing over her.
###
The sad cloud hovering over her lifted a bit when she spotted the familiar, neatly folded yellow notepaper on the small console table inside her condo door.
“Sweet Judy Blue Eyes: I decided to make my soon-to-be-famous Pollo du l’mer mit shrooms et knüdles, and I am hoping against hope that you’ll be available to join me in this multilingual culinary mayhem. I know this is insufferably short notice. Please, oh please say you have an opening on your social calendar. Besides, I’ve already availed myself of your kindness and foresight by borrowing a can of cream of mushroom soup from your larder. Love you girl, G.”
He’d made tuna-noodle casserole again. Gavin might be a lot of things, but gourmet cook wasn’t one of them. Truth be told, that’s why she stocked up on mushroom soup and tomato sauce.
Judith closed her eyes and eased out a sigh, Gavin was just the distraction she needed tonight.
He was the perfect best friend, funny, glib, and attentive. They met two years ago by accident at the mailboxes in the foyer of the condo complex. Of course, she noticed him right away. Are you kidding? He was gorgeous—tall and athletic, with flawless café au lait skin and a debilitating smile. From the moment they met, she and Gavin acted as if they’d been close friends since childhood. Manager of New Business Development for Bluestein Industries—one of the fastest growing companies in the Bay Area—he was about to be made Vice President. Gavin loved his job as much as Judith did hers.
Judith had just finished installing the WOW software when Gavin showed up with a piping-hot casserole dish in one oven-mitted hand, microwavable garlic bread in the other and a chilled bottle of Sonoma-Cutrer Chardonnay tucked under his arm. She threw together a green salad and nuked the garlic bread. The meal wasn’t half bad.
When they were comfortable on the couch, Gavin refilled their wine glasses. He looked at her with a huge grin.
“What?” she shrugged.
“I see you have once again selected something seductive to wear, you temptress.”
She glanced down at her T-shirt and sweats. “Great, hit a girl when she’s down.”
Gavin winced. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—"
“Besides, this is just my go-to after-work ensemble. It doesn’t count.” She forced a half-smile. “You’re just used to dating beautiful boys in skin-tight jeans.”
He nodded. “Point taken.” He stared at her.
“What?”
“Just waitin’ for you to tell me what’s bothering you.”
She winced. “Problems at work is all.”
“And?”
“My boss made it clear I need to become more ... worldly. It felt like an ultimatum.”
“He was serious?”
“Oh yeah. He sounded like my job might be in jeopardy if I don’t find a way to enhance my stodgy image.”
“Jesus. How does that even make sense?”
She rubbed the back of her neck. “I have no clue, but apparently big changes are on the horizon at Day-Kilkenny. And if I hope to avoid being tossed aside, I have to be willing to change along with it.” She bit her lip, looked away.
“That totally sucks.” He wrinkled his brow. “Please, Judith, don’t let this beat you down.”
She couldn’t hold back a whimper. “I’m afraid, Gav. I love my job. It’s who I am. I don’t want to lose it.”
He wrapped his arms around her. “It’ll all work out, you’ll see. Don’t let yourself fall into that dreadful pit of despair again. You’re stronger than that.” He let go and looked her in the eye. “Don’t give in, Judith. You can handle this.”
“Only if I can manage to become more with-it.” She added air quotes. “And, get this, he seemed to think chatting on WOW is the answer.”
“How did he come up with that?”
“I had that silly WOW promotional CD on my desk. Got it in the mail at work. I was about to toss it when he stopped by my desk.”
Gavin scrunched up his face. “You know? Online chat might actually help you ease out of your comfort zone. Find out about other people.”
“But I like my life the way it is. That’s why they call it a comfort zone.”
“Yeah, I know. But WOW might give you the best of both worlds.” He chuckled. “You can talk to people … without ever even having to look at them. What could be safer?”
“I’m not buying it. But I did install WOW.” She shrugged.
“Perfect.” He stood, took her by the hand, and led her to the chair in front of her computer. He moved a chair next to her and plopped down.
Judith opened WOW.
“Okay, let’s get this transformation started. The first thing you have to do is create a profile that’s, you know, interesting, even playful … and an enticing screen name like ‘Hot Stuff.’” He chuckled.
Judith rolled her eyes. “Oh, yeah, that sounds like me, all right.”
Eventually, they settled on “Judi2,” which Gavin proclaimed “cute, clever and about as informal as you’re willing to go … for now anyway.” He gave her a wink. “Baby steps.”
WOW must have had lots of cute, clever, girls named Judi on file; they offered her “Judi266” instead. She took it and created a profile. But, despite Gavin’s chiding, she refused to embellish her basic personal information.
Gavin rubbed his hands together. “Okay, let’s check out the action.”
“I have no interest in action. I’m just supposed to use this thing to become more social ... or something.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. Social interaction.”
She cut her eyes at him. “Maybe there are some kinds of groups that might work for me.”
They found some chat rooms that seemed safe enough, though most touted such unappealing names as “Knitter’s Corner,” “Collage addicts,” “New Moms Support Group,” and “Hanging out with Seniors.”
Judith closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. “So far I’m not inspired.”
“Well I’m sure you’ll find something to help you get adequately socialized. Give it time.” He glanced at his watch. “Speaking of time, let’s take a look at what Hot Chat has to offer before we call it a night.”
“Why?”
“You need to broaden your horizons, right? Can’t hurt to look.”
She puffed out a sighed. “I suppose it won’t do any harm to just check out some room titles.”
They scanned the list of Hot Chat Rooms, including “Flirt’s Nook,” “Teen Chat,” “Hook-Up Center,” and “Hopeless Romantics.”
Judith puffed out a sigh. “These are ridiculous.”
“True, but I’m telling you I’ve met some pretty hot guys online, in gay chat rooms with names I probably shouldn’t repeat. But Hook-Up Center is just what you’re lookin’ for, girl.”
“Puh-lease!”
“Really, think about it, Judith. Sex without guilt is fabulous when you can find it. But this! This is potentially sex without even meeting. My God, love, this was made for you!”
“Oh, stop it!” She rolled her eyes. “Why does it have to be about sex? Just because you happen to be a rampant, testosterone-inflated hustler, doesn’t give you the right to pass judgment on us more selective adults.”
He hopped up from the chair and checked his image in the hallway mirror. “Damn, do you really think I’m inflated?”
“Relax, Mr. Tight Butt. You know you’re absolutely gorgeous.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” He spun back around.
Judith massaged her forehead. “That’s enough for me. It’s late, and—”
“Excuses, excuses.”
“Besides, we’re out of wine.” She held up the empty bottle.
“Alas, another action-packed evening in the whirlwind social life of the lovely Judith McPherson must come to an end.”
“You don’t have to be cruel.” She stifled a smile as she exited WOW and switched off the computer.
“Just trying to give you a loving shove out into the world.” He looked her in the eye. “Judith, if you’re gonna do this, you’ve got to shed your protective shield.”
“I know. I know. But the truth is, I’m scared.”
“Of course, you are. But promise me you’ll do everything you can to keep those low self-esteem demons from getting in the way this time. Besides, if you weren’t pretty damn special, how would you have ever hooked a best friend like me?”
“Good point.”
At the door, Gavin put his arms around her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Good night, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes. I had a wonderful time.”
She returned his hug. “Thanks for the dinner, Gavin.”
“You’re the only one who truly appreciates my culinary skills, sweetheart.” He yawned. “And you’re right, it’s late.”
After he left, Judith put the casserole dish in the sink to soak. She’d clean it and return it to him later. Another part of their long-established routine.
“Sweet Judy Blue Eyes: I decided to make my soon-to-be-famous Pollo du l’mer mit shrooms et knüdles, and I am hoping against hope that you’ll be available to join me in this multilingual culinary mayhem. I know this is insufferably short notice. Please, oh please say you have an opening on your social calendar. Besides, I’ve already availed myself of your kindness and foresight by borrowing a can of cream of mushroom soup from your larder. Love you girl, G.”
He’d made tuna-noodle casserole again. Gavin might be a lot of things, but gourmet cook wasn’t one of them. Truth be told, that’s why she stocked up on mushroom soup and tomato sauce.
Judith closed her eyes and eased out a sigh, Gavin was just the distraction she needed tonight.
He was the perfect best friend, funny, glib, and attentive. They met two years ago by accident at the mailboxes in the foyer of the condo complex. Of course, she noticed him right away. Are you kidding? He was gorgeous—tall and athletic, with flawless café au lait skin and a debilitating smile. From the moment they met, she and Gavin acted as if they’d been close friends since childhood. Manager of New Business Development for Bluestein Industries—one of the fastest growing companies in the Bay Area—he was about to be made Vice President. Gavin loved his job as much as Judith did hers.
Judith had just finished installing the WOW software when Gavin showed up with a piping-hot casserole dish in one oven-mitted hand, microwavable garlic bread in the other and a chilled bottle of Sonoma-Cutrer Chardonnay tucked under his arm. She threw together a green salad and nuked the garlic bread. The meal wasn’t half bad.
When they were comfortable on the couch, Gavin refilled their wine glasses. He looked at her with a huge grin.
“What?” she shrugged.
“I see you have once again selected something seductive to wear, you temptress.”
She glanced down at her T-shirt and sweats. “Great, hit a girl when she’s down.”
Gavin winced. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—"
“Besides, this is just my go-to after-work ensemble. It doesn’t count.” She forced a half-smile. “You’re just used to dating beautiful boys in skin-tight jeans.”
He nodded. “Point taken.” He stared at her.
“What?”
“Just waitin’ for you to tell me what’s bothering you.”
She winced. “Problems at work is all.”
“And?”
“My boss made it clear I need to become more ... worldly. It felt like an ultimatum.”
“He was serious?”
“Oh yeah. He sounded like my job might be in jeopardy if I don’t find a way to enhance my stodgy image.”
“Jesus. How does that even make sense?”
She rubbed the back of her neck. “I have no clue, but apparently big changes are on the horizon at Day-Kilkenny. And if I hope to avoid being tossed aside, I have to be willing to change along with it.” She bit her lip, looked away.
“That totally sucks.” He wrinkled his brow. “Please, Judith, don’t let this beat you down.”
She couldn’t hold back a whimper. “I’m afraid, Gav. I love my job. It’s who I am. I don’t want to lose it.”
He wrapped his arms around her. “It’ll all work out, you’ll see. Don’t let yourself fall into that dreadful pit of despair again. You’re stronger than that.” He let go and looked her in the eye. “Don’t give in, Judith. You can handle this.”
“Only if I can manage to become more with-it.” She added air quotes. “And, get this, he seemed to think chatting on WOW is the answer.”
“How did he come up with that?”
“I had that silly WOW promotional CD on my desk. Got it in the mail at work. I was about to toss it when he stopped by my desk.”
Gavin scrunched up his face. “You know? Online chat might actually help you ease out of your comfort zone. Find out about other people.”
“But I like my life the way it is. That’s why they call it a comfort zone.”
“Yeah, I know. But WOW might give you the best of both worlds.” He chuckled. “You can talk to people … without ever even having to look at them. What could be safer?”
“I’m not buying it. But I did install WOW.” She shrugged.
“Perfect.” He stood, took her by the hand, and led her to the chair in front of her computer. He moved a chair next to her and plopped down.
Judith opened WOW.
“Okay, let’s get this transformation started. The first thing you have to do is create a profile that’s, you know, interesting, even playful … and an enticing screen name like ‘Hot Stuff.’” He chuckled.
Judith rolled her eyes. “Oh, yeah, that sounds like me, all right.”
Eventually, they settled on “Judi2,” which Gavin proclaimed “cute, clever and about as informal as you’re willing to go … for now anyway.” He gave her a wink. “Baby steps.”
WOW must have had lots of cute, clever, girls named Judi on file; they offered her “Judi266” instead. She took it and created a profile. But, despite Gavin’s chiding, she refused to embellish her basic personal information.
Gavin rubbed his hands together. “Okay, let’s check out the action.”
“I have no interest in action. I’m just supposed to use this thing to become more social ... or something.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. Social interaction.”
She cut her eyes at him. “Maybe there are some kinds of groups that might work for me.”
They found some chat rooms that seemed safe enough, though most touted such unappealing names as “Knitter’s Corner,” “Collage addicts,” “New Moms Support Group,” and “Hanging out with Seniors.”
Judith closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. “So far I’m not inspired.”
“Well I’m sure you’ll find something to help you get adequately socialized. Give it time.” He glanced at his watch. “Speaking of time, let’s take a look at what Hot Chat has to offer before we call it a night.”
“Why?”
“You need to broaden your horizons, right? Can’t hurt to look.”
She puffed out a sighed. “I suppose it won’t do any harm to just check out some room titles.”
They scanned the list of Hot Chat Rooms, including “Flirt’s Nook,” “Teen Chat,” “Hook-Up Center,” and “Hopeless Romantics.”
Judith puffed out a sigh. “These are ridiculous.”
“True, but I’m telling you I’ve met some pretty hot guys online, in gay chat rooms with names I probably shouldn’t repeat. But Hook-Up Center is just what you’re lookin’ for, girl.”
“Puh-lease!”
“Really, think about it, Judith. Sex without guilt is fabulous when you can find it. But this! This is potentially sex without even meeting. My God, love, this was made for you!”
“Oh, stop it!” She rolled her eyes. “Why does it have to be about sex? Just because you happen to be a rampant, testosterone-inflated hustler, doesn’t give you the right to pass judgment on us more selective adults.”
He hopped up from the chair and checked his image in the hallway mirror. “Damn, do you really think I’m inflated?”
“Relax, Mr. Tight Butt. You know you’re absolutely gorgeous.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” He spun back around.
Judith massaged her forehead. “That’s enough for me. It’s late, and—”
“Excuses, excuses.”
“Besides, we’re out of wine.” She held up the empty bottle.
“Alas, another action-packed evening in the whirlwind social life of the lovely Judith McPherson must come to an end.”
“You don’t have to be cruel.” She stifled a smile as she exited WOW and switched off the computer.
“Just trying to give you a loving shove out into the world.” He looked her in the eye. “Judith, if you’re gonna do this, you’ve got to shed your protective shield.”
“I know. I know. But the truth is, I’m scared.”
“Of course, you are. But promise me you’ll do everything you can to keep those low self-esteem demons from getting in the way this time. Besides, if you weren’t pretty damn special, how would you have ever hooked a best friend like me?”
“Good point.”
At the door, Gavin put his arms around her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Good night, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes. I had a wonderful time.”
She returned his hug. “Thanks for the dinner, Gavin.”
“You’re the only one who truly appreciates my culinary skills, sweetheart.” He yawned. “And you’re right, it’s late.”
After he left, Judith put the casserole dish in the sink to soak. She’d clean it and return it to him later. Another part of their long-established routine.